We all make mistakes with the words we use. Husbands and Wives especially need to realize this as a reality. Oftentimes we may try to convey ideas but in our passion to try and talk about something we feel strongly about, we mis-state and misuse our words and thus the poor use of our words breaks down the attempt at communication. It is a common mistake every individual has made and probably will continue to make. You may be the best communicator in the world but when it comes to your spouse your words may just create walls instead of bridges if in fact your spouse is not interested in connecting with you but rather competing with you.

What I mean to say is that when two people are sincerely trying to communicate…they overlook the small things and try to see the big picture of what the other is actually trying to communicate. Each spouse is not only hearing with their ears but they are seeing with their eyes and feeling with their emotions in an attempt to actually hear what the other is trying to share.

When this atmosphere is not present…then you learn to guard your words because you know that they will be used as weapons against you…not only in that conversation…but in the future as well. I believe this typically happens when an atmosphere of competition has arisen and each partner is looking to trip up the other. We cease to listen to what is trying to be communicated and start to either parse words and phrases, or use mis-spoken words and phrases as weapons in a battle. We want to win! We store up ammunition for times like these so that we can pull out the mis-statements any time we want to make the other feel bad or get them off balance…typically when we feel backed into a corner.

The sad part is that it works. Guard your tongue for at a later time your words will be used against you. It doesn't matter what the context is or was…it is the words themselves that matter. It doesn't matter what you are or were trying to communicate…it is the words that are wielded as weapons to come back at you and stop you in your tracks.

I am not saying that it is unimportant for you to pick your words with care…not at all…but we should not be held hostage by our words either. We should be held to what we are trying to convey and share for sure. For it is in what is trying to be communicated that the real import lies. We all need to work on our skills but until we come to the point of using words perfectly to communicate our ideas, we need to give each other a bit of slack.

Some of us have huge ammunition stores of these misplaced or mis-stated words. Unfortunately for most men, it seems to be more common for women to have much larger stores of ammo…something with the way females are wired I assume. This is certainly not a slam, just an observation. And, this is not the case across the board…so please don't say I am making a sweeping generalization that doesn't apply to you. This is probably due in some part because men may spend the greater amount of time using the wrong words to communicate something they care deeply about…so it can come across wrong if judged simply on the merits of the words themselves. And in the long run, when this spirit of competition has developed, it is the words that are remembered…not what you were actually trying to communicate.

"You said………" those words can feel like knives penetrating to your core. You have no defense because indeed you said them…the problem is you never intended them in the way they are brought back to keep you hostage. As I said…most of us have done this and it does exactly what is intended. It cuts the legs out from any communication trying to bloom at that moment and wounds the one trying to share.

I think that in order to get back to a place where spouses can truly communicate again…those stores of ammo need to be destroyed or at least locked up with a "danger—do not enter" sign on the door.

When we continually go into those places and bring out that ammunition we simply are showing our lack of desire to truly want to "see" what the other person is trying to communicate. We come out of those ammo stores with our spouse's words that lack the original intent and are therefore wielded in any which direction that seems suitable at the time to be able to win the current battle…only to be put back in its place after the wound has been created. It really is a bit sick! Welcome to the human race…nearly everyone does this at some point or another in their relationships.

I am certainly guilty of this to some degree and so is my wife to some degree. I wish we were atypical but we are pretty much the norm. Communicating with your spouse takes energy and work to figure out how to truly connect…because talking is certainly not the only thing involved with communication. There needs to be a desire not only to be heard…but to hear.

If we can come to a place to want to hear…we may just start to get somewhere in our actual communication between each other. Being in a heart attitude of truly wanting to hear and feel what your spouse is trying to share is the open door to truly communicating. This is not possible however if we hold judgment over our spouses or have preconceived expectations of what we believe the other is or should be sharing instead of what they actually are trying to share.

Again…we need to open our ears and our eyes and our hearts to not only hear and see but to feel what our spouse is trying to communicate and its core. Once we start to communicate (without the judgment and preconceived expectations of conforming to our own way of thinking) then all sorts of good things start to bloom and blossom in relationships.

Of course this is a two way street. Both people need to come with the same humble heart attitude of wanting to hear their spouse. The mis-spoken words, the expectations of how your spouse should behave and the judgment all  need to be locked away in the same room throwing away the key…perhaps in a healthier environment to be cleared and cleaned out completely before being burned to the ground.

With the attitude of wanting to actually hear and also to humble yourself setting aside all preconceived expectations of what should be and dealing with the reality of what is…true communication can actually occur…something marvelous when it does happen. This form of communication also leads to other ways of drawing closer to one another…having fun, having some emotional and physical intimacy, having meaningful conversations and more…

You know what that means when this happens? It means we can __________ (you fill in the blank in your own relationship—males and females usually have different answers here).

Learning to communicate is almost more about the one being communicated to rather than the one doing the communicating. It is the attitude in our hearts as receivers that makes the biggest difference.

Feel free to fill in the blank for yourself in the comments section below. Just please…keep it clean. Thanks for reading! Please share and RT if you would.

(As a side note…all of this is predicated upon the idea that there is actually a mutual desire to connect more closely with your spouse. If you are simply a mean and nasty person who enjoys hurting others…then the problem is not with your spouse listening to you…no the problem is you! Get a life).